Let It Go..

I had quite an emotional day today.

I attended the department's auditing 'last minute' meeting carrying my obligation as one of the auditer; only to find myself a victim of unruly judgement by others. Or in other word; they hate me.

First, a colleague of mine confessed her dissatisfactions of a statement made by our DG. Uh oh..it's regarding promotions. Later, a director came up and voiced out his grudges towards my divisions. Right in the face. Okey. There I was. Digesting words every words. Trying hard to find; is there any WRONG that I have ever done (to them) to deserve such a harsh accusation. I feel sick in the heart. Shocked and saddened.

Pieces of familiar faces came across my winding mind. So, that is the answer to their sudden weird reactions towards me last few days. My greetings were coldly replied. Some just ignored my questions. Sour faces were showed. My goodness. I really felt like crying. How can I didn't realize that?

Yes, I do heard a few grudges here and there, politics, seniorities, this and that from a few close friends; but nothing had concerned me. I thot things about promotions and career expansion only affects few who deserve them; but obviously, I am the one who's missing the points. Being the last to know; today, is the answer to all the calls.

Sincerely, I wish I had this very simple answer from them.

Do I, in any form of way, had had them hurt, affect or block their ways to the top?

If they thought being in the intensely stressed division can earn me easy way to the top, they should probably think twice, and think wise. I do not voluntarily stepped inside that bloody drain just to have myself being scolded and humiliated. Please, they are most welcome to step in my shoe.

There is only one thing I wish I can embrace now. My friendship with my close colleagues. God, they are all so dear to me. Although, I severely bleed with their thoughts, and cruel judgements, I wish they know how much they matters to me.

I just do not know who's wrong or right. I just want this war to end.

Intann : When we are dealing with egos, the best way is to step aside. Cherish the sweetness of life. And friendships. To the fullest.

No, Not Me, Not I..

Am not sure whether my intense day earlier caused me this. It's 3 in the morning but I'm awake for 2 hours now. I feel kinda weird.. Ermm... Am I dying or something?

I got up and do my packing instead. Am on the 11.55am flight to Kuching tomorrow for my first site visit in a town called Padawan. No idea where that place it. It surely doesn't bother me much, for as long as I'm out of that freaking office. God, I am really in dire state, am I? I need a break. But first, I need to sleep!

I got my baby Ezzah to sleep with tears just now. She is all grown up; I just found myself hard to believe that fact. Last night she called me 'Mama!' so loud and clear, and I was swept away by it. Her bulat face simply charms me. She started to utter a few new words now, like "papa","kakak", "tok", "eyyoo" (hello).. and many others. To kiss and hug her is the only thing I wanna do now..Mama love you, darling. So much.

I turned the TV on. Uh oh..Euro! It's Poland against Croatia. None of the player I know, but the passion is still there..barely. This is just so not me. Am getting old I guess. The spirit seems to slowly vanish. How I wish it's still there. They reminds me of my good old days where watching football was part of my life! Haha.. beautiful past, huh? Bad we can't retrieve it back. It'll remain a good episode of our life; maybe soon becoming a nice laughing snack once we grow old. Huhu..We are OLD aren't we? Shheshhhh.... Need to sleep. If I'm no longer alive for the next bloging, everybody, please forgive me for everything. I love y'all so much. So much.

Intann : Speaking of snack.. am hungry.. =(

It's Just NOT My Day..I Guess..

Have you ever wake up feeling drowsy and bad.. as though knowing that the day's going to be rough on you? Well, that hit me today.

I went to the hospital, to get myself a new appointment date. But the derma clinic was empty. I waited for half an hour. I swallowed every breath with the last piece of patience i had for the morning. I was wheezing, coughing hardly, heavy headed, and the nose was congested. Ughhh...Not comfortable at all. If that's the case, okey.. I got to rush for work. Lelah ni nantilah kira lain..Get the kueh for makan in the office, this and that, in minutes, I was in the office.

The boss had already showed a sour-pouty-faced the moment i stepped inside the office. As I expected, never of anybody has done will fit her expectation. At first, I thought that was usual, but when it appeared that I was amending the whole presentation, I felt like my nerves were sort of boiling to an unknown point. The more they pushed me,the more pointless i've become. And Juwita, stressly took over the work. She must have hated me very much.

There goes these people. Thay hate me. And,the hatred looked so obvious showed on the face. How do I breathe amidst people who dislikes me. Damn! This feeling wasn't good at all..I just don't belong anywhere.

No,I won't make another excuse. I will never make my sickness an excuse. There's NO point explaining my misery to people who'd never understand. No way they'll understand unless they face the same circumstances. I bet people are talking behind my back. I do feel hurt 'bout that.. and nobody cares.

I am so badly hurt.. will somebody help me..?
God, I feel like crying..

Intann : I know, this thought is evil. But sometimes, I really hope that anybody who had accusations on me, will someday get so so sick,.. or their children; so
so so so badly,and for once - will remind them of me.

I Hate That Old-Fussy-Grumpy People Today.

Thank God I finally get through TODAY.Yes. A head-cracking day. Bad one.

God, please grant me some more patience. Need that so desperately. To hell with the superiors' quirky-sparrow-head! Thot they're way too magnificent.Go on. Dream! Live it.

Along the way home, I had something - wandering inside my cloudy mind. What the HELL is wrong with them?! *Sigh.. I am so damn TIRED. Tired with those people. Wonder where they came from? Who taught them to behave like that? On what circumstances they thought they have the every right to think that they are so damn good, or better than other people? God. Is old people like that? Can't they broaden up their thinkings, or at least Think? I just do not know why am I blabbering like mad-stampeded-ulat here. But what happenned today and the whole of this week almost hit my border lines.

Okey. Forget Work. Ezzah. Where are you? Mama miss you..

Mon cher fetched me at the LRT station. Upon getting inside the car and held mon cher's arms, I felt like flying. Please, get me outta here! I let out a loud sigh. Just glad to see him. Really.

"Please, don't ask me what happen. You don't want to hear them".

So we drove cordially to the McDonalds. He was starving, obviously. We chatted about something else; about the car being serviced, about the saltless-jagung we ate, about plans we wanna have tomorrow. Thanks mon cher. That helped a lot.

Intann : I am still looking forward for the hikmah behind it. After all, God grant me to have that job,kan..? Wish me luck people. Sort of BREATHLESS over here.

Love is in the air..

So much happened lately. Sudden fuel-price hike, Sis Nurul back to UK, I recovered from illnesses, EURO2008 kick-off, bla..bla.. but one thing caught my attention today. A close friend of mine was in his lowest mood and devastated being out of love. Good thing was, he did not lament and seem trying to get things over his life. Frankly, I saw him sort of ‘different’ at the badminton tournament the day before. Of course I wouldn’t pry and simply ask pasal other people’s life. But when he came and told me about his recent-torn-apart relationship, I must say I was literally shocked.

To say I completely understand how he felt would be a total lie. Sebab for me, a devastation impact would not be the same with different people and somehow rather based on how deep the love is at the first place. Er..okey, in his case, was. I told him, nobody has the rights to leave us so badly hurt or feeling miserable. Although LOVE is always the cause of it. Yes. I mean always. Deep down I hope that he wouldn’t get strayed thus stop looking for other love to fill his life. But nobody can do anything about it. Things simply happen. Time flew. And as we grow older, we possessed either maturity or simply ended up being the same person. Sometimes we thought that we are in control of certain things, whereas, the painful reality often shows that we’re not.

A close girl friend had about the same devastation but her‘s was even worst sebab the ex once a king of excuses. My goodness. He played with her heart so badly, to the end, my friend was the one being blamed. I just couldn’t tolerate with any of that in a relationship. My God, she’s strong. Although, it’s sooo obvious she is not over him yet, she does tried mingling with other people, started new relationships, but deep down, the scars was still there ; haunting her.


Well,I think, in his case, the other party demanded too much and set up a high expectation out of him. On the other hand, this friend, casually hope the relationship to be ideally flowing and believed they would develop love along the way. Well. I wonder what they wanted actually. But for me an excuse is enough to make a relationship turns bitter.. Yes, I know, being out of love will make us kind of lingering in empty space, down, drowning out of nowhere, suffocated, doomed, neglected, unlucky, pissed off, macam-macam lah. But believe me, you’ll never know what lies upon us ahead. Just let it out. Cry if you need to. But please, not for long..Leave the past behind. That was how I stand before.

I sounded bias, don’t I? Kind of. Haha..

Damn. I’m apparently not good with consoling people. The last thing i know, he was laughing his heart out hearing stupid tales about my abang fali. Hmm.. *giggle* boleh la tu..

Intann : Move on.. be strong friends. Cherish life. And be kind.
**Pity Arween. She misses her mom so bad.. and it was so obvious. Separation – bad uh?

Zaara is HOME..

For all you know.. time does fly so damn fast. Zaara is home after one-and-a-half-year living abroad. Yes, she did forget me.

But luckily, it was not for long. She was shy at first. I kept telling her that she was my daughter. She would just hid her face on her abah's shoulder. Took her two solid days; and she is as cheeky and manja as she used to with me.

Needless to say how she acted towards mon cher; her long lost pacik. After 2-3 hours meeting her pakcik, nobody can separate her from him. There goes their old sweet times; where her pakcik will carry and play with her, and she would giggled her hearts out. Well..well..She even envy Ezzah.

Not forgetting their accents.

They talk like nobody's business. Suddenly, everybody in the house had their english improved. Hahahaha..


Intann : Adorable. As usual.

The Song..Finally!

I bet you have no idea on how thrilled I am to get my long-favorite song from the internet. Been searching for that particular song for 7 years now sebab I've misplaced the CD. Wow! What a day..*sigh*

Well I guess not many liked that song for it was so damn hard to get it. But it was so typically ME.. suke lagu2 yang mega jiwang. Be it. Whatever they wants to say. It just remisnisce me 'bout so many things. People, places, even scents. I just love it. Love to hear songs from my past. It sorts of calmed me in its own way. I feel so secured and free.

Which I am not right now...*sigh*

I can't believe I'm hearing them now..Thanks for whoever that owned it. That really lift me up!

Intann : I'd like to share. Please. Enjoy.


The Last To Know - Human Nature

Where does love go
When you're not in love?
How does it feel when nobody wants it?
Tell me, does it float around
Like a little lost cloud
When a heart is not it's home?
What does love do
When it's not being used?
Feeling like it just don't belong
Tell me, is it laying awake in the middle of the night
Just thinking 'bout what went wrong?
'Cause when I look in your eyes
It's just not there
When I hunger for affection
The cupboard is bear
I don't know why I keep hanging on
When love's got the message and it's already gone

Why am I always the last to know?
Tell me why is it always me alone
Still dancing when the party's over
Why am I always the last to see
Just a fool who believes you're still in love with me
Even love can see it's over
I'm always the last to know

What do I do
'Till I'm back on my feet
Do I hang around and try to pretend
That I'm really over you
And it won't take long
'Till love says it's my turn again

'Cause when I look in your eyes
It's just not there
When I hunger for affection
The cupboard is bear
I don't know why I keep hanging on
When love's got the message and it's already gone

Why am I always the last to know?
Tell me why is it always me alone
Still dancing when the party's over
Why am I always the last to see
Just a fool who believes you're still in love with me
Even love can see it's over
I'm always the last to know

The next time I fall
I'll be taking my time
To find out if her heart is mine

Why am I always the last to know?
Tell me why is it always me alone
Still dancing when the party's over
Why am I always the last to see
Just a fool who believes you're still in love with me
Even love can see it's over
I'm always the last to know