Just got back from KLCC watching the newly released Angelina Jolie's movie 'Wanted' with mon cher; a weekday treat for him. I sincerely don't remember the last movie I gave a lot of credits, but this one did satisfy my entertainment needs. Fast flowing, gamers matrix stunts,sort of differ from other typical tales, but what matters the most was the character carried by the lead actor; which at one point hit me right in the head.
Was he so me?
"You said so much of 'I'm sorry'". Said Fox; roled by Angelina Jolie.
Yeps. He was once a pathetic loser. Never speak up for himself though he knew he was tortured inside. He said "sorry" at almost all of the time, to almost every single people he met. And although, he didn't even make the damn MISTAKE!
And sadly, that pathethic character instantly reminds me of MYSELF.
If people around thought SORRY is the hardest word to came out from their mouth, (perhaps saying the word equals to suiside); unfortunately, that wasn't happening to me. People who know me in person will realise how often i uttered that magical word in a day.
My goodness. Thousands of sorries! To the boss (even when I knocked on their door), friends, and freakingly; to my subordinates!
Imagine, I said sorry to my subordinate when I wanted them to do their job.
"Err..Aida, sorry..nak mintak you fakskan this..a..sorry..tengah banyak keja ke? takpelah..finish your job dulu..ini takpe i faks kan sendiri"
Damn it! That is not even your job!
There goes my self-esteem. Flying in the air..
Let me clear this out. The word SORRY carries a magical meaning to me. For me, SORRY simply ruled out evil feeling called "egos" in somebody's mind and soul. In a dispute, the more humbled and nobled person will first let out their sorries. I don't know with other people, but I personally will be delighted if someone can forgive me.. as if I was released from an unknown guilt that embodied me.
But, as far as I know,the word sorry and thank you are the two words people less give a thought of. Scared to be labelled as losers kot. Or maybe just couldn't care less about other people's heart.
And I don't remember the millions of sorries I've beg to mon cher..*sigh*
Sometimes, I simply begged for his forgiveness; not knowing what mistake I have done.
All I care is his feelings. And for that, I often put myself to blame. I swallowed the bitterness alone. I did whatever it takes to clean the mess; though that was not how I want it to be. I hurt my own heart.
Yes, to take care of people's feelings had my own heart-feelings being compromised. I allowed myself to be treated disrespectfully.
I sincerely do not know when are the people around me and my beloved ones will start to notice that I exist; and I have a heart too..a heart that is slowly torn..
Maybe, when the time comes, it's already too late.
Intann : God, please give me strength. Mon cher, please be fair to me..
**Befriended Arnida Zainal~14 wonderful years.Thanks friend.For a sincere heart you lend me.
