Questioning Life - Part 1

I came across a large banner-ad while taking the escalator down the mall of the Great Eastern Mall; this very evening. I was instantly drawn to it - so I read it outloud; apparently - offguarded. Wow.. That's inspiring.. definately will fill my thoughts for today's posting, huh?

"Growing Old is Mandatory..
..Growing Up is Optional.."

"Hah? What's that mean?" Mon cher asked. Frowned. Lil' confused I guessed.

Quickly, I replied; well of course - excitedly.

"Growing old is growing old.. macam biasa..but, growing up is..MATANG. Which..uh..not everybody get MATANG sometimes..you know.."

I didn't know whether he bought the idea or not, or maybe he thought I was wrong, but since he did not have further arguments, so I hold back my thoughts. And just talked to myself. Before someone got offended.

Being Matang or matured; does carry a significant meaning for me. I'd say it should be a perfect synonyms for MEN. Huh?

But, the question is, am I being matang all this while? Er.. I don't really know. But I have always wish to see and meet more mature-personalities as I live, hoping I can learn something from them.

So, what have I learned? Did I surpass whatever I am doing? Am I improving myself? OMG.. too much self-qustioning - does this okey?

My goodness. I am self-interrogating myself!

But deep down, up until now, I am still admiring the quote. Think that it might have something to do with ME - bumping on to that ad, huh? What-chu-think? Fortunate?

Say I'm pelik, but that is me. Maybe tomorrow I might forget everything I've said today, but I know that one day, one fine day - things will keep on coming back. Good or bad, same as the ups and downs or even memories we've encountered while taking the journey through LIFE.

Yes, living life scares me. (I don't know about you) It often make me feel weak and suffocated. But, believing the love of God is always there, and cherishing loves surrounding me - make me feel so alive. (Merci!)

And friends, if I ever get strayed, or showing signs of giving up - please.. be with me. Lead me back to where I belong. I really..really NEED that.

Intann : Dear God, please grant all my friends a thriving health and peaceful life. Amin.

Err..monsieur.. I sort of need my book.

I have an announcement to make - before I go to sleep.
And I hope you are reading this. Hehe. Yes, you, monsieur.

Bonjour, monsieur.. I'd like to jot down some wonderful thoughts that's in that 'Just Who Will You Be' book. Her words charmed et lift us up, huh?

See ya, avec the book. Anytime soon! *grin*

Intann : Bonsoir..need my sleep.

Aidil Adha..And All That Goes With It

It's Hari Raya AidilAdha - and for the first time since I got married, the whole family are finally here.

Sis Nurul just got home last Saturday to celebrate Aidiladha with her kids. You don't wanna know how sombong Zara is. Kelakar je.

"Hey..! That's my mama..!" I teased her.

There she went yapping. Funnily. Like the talking spongebob.

"NOOO! That's my MAMA! And that's my Mama coming down from the plane and come and buy me Toys..And Lots of toys. And Toys for Kakak Arween too! And not for YOU!!" There she was with her funny protruding eyes. Haha..Got you!

You can tell how crazy sis Nurul is about shopping. The very next morning, the whole gang went to Mid Valley and IKEA. Hehe.


** ** ** **

This year, I managed to go for Sembahyang Raya at our Taman Mega Surau. In fact, I am one of the participant for the Korban-together with Abah, Ma and Syima. Adam, my 7-year-old nephew, was as usual – with his ‘manly-big-talk’.

“Elehh..abang tak takot pon kat lembu..abang sepak je lembu tu..haa..”. He bragged.

“Eh cepatlah..abang nak pegi suwau ni..nak tengok lembu!”. He got impatient I guess.

So we went at about 10 a.m. Everybody was with their big and small umbrellas – for the rain hasn’t stop pouring since last night. The surau has already filled with folks from the taman and a few bangladeshees who live nearby.

“Tu haa..kawan abang Long..Suke sangat cakap laju.” I teased Adam, pouting my mouth towards the banglas near him. He instantly made a quirky face at me. Hehe. Bengang la tu.

Mon cher, then, teased me back.

“Eh..Pegi lah pegang lembu tu. Orang wat Korban kena pegang lah!”

Syima and I refused. We just stand behind the crowds. I was too scared to even think about the whole slaughtering thing. It was beyond imagination. I was putting myself at the scene – I mean my neck behind the sharp knives – waiting for my turn to be slaughtered any minute – Ughhhh! Noooo! What was I thinking??

The so-called-hero, Adam, was shaking-ly frightened behind the crowds. He yelled and almost cried when his pakcik suddenly pushed him to be in-front. There goes our hero. Haha..

“Pakcikkk..jom balikkk...” Finally, the tears of our hero poured together with the rain. Haha!

Our lembu was the one which struggled the most. Huhu..Macam tu nak suruh gi pegang. I was freezingly scared. Scared of dying, scared of waiting.

Dear God..I’ve done so many sins. Please, Dear God, forgive me. Deep down I prayed.

I have been wondering-what if I suddenly die, without any back-up of Taqwa; just like the Imam told us in the Qhutbah earlier this morning.

What if, I was one of the victims – who are trapped in the recent landslides; like the one in Ulu Kelang nearby – and not knowing what the fate will be.

Will my good deeds I have now-is sufficient for me to face my dying day? And my Akhirat?

God, I don’t even know whether I have enough Iman to safeguard myself from all the flickering temptations there are in this world. Please, dear God, safe me, guard me, protect me..

Intann : I thought I’ve done so many sacrifices and is hurting all the way through. But today, it finally came clear to my mind, that, people make sacrifices every single day, but one thing for sure, is to be sincere about it. Then only you’ll find the sweetness of sacrifices.

My Head-knocking Semut Week.

Been away for week attending a course in MOF, a ministry which stands majestically in the heart of Putrajaya. I was supposed to be disgusted by the name of the course. But, instead, it turned out to be one of my best-attended course ever in my life, with a lot of head-knocking new experiences, topped up with new cosy friends.

Right over there, I suddenly noticed how small I was. And how shallow my level of knowledge is. I felt like a semut (of course a fat semut) which fell into a deep, large and fast flowing stream, drowning - gasping for help.

Wondering what I did then? Of course I played cool.

Why I said so?

Because over there, was like a thousand times busier than my whole department is handling now. Yes, looked like they have sufficient resources, but I bet they are not. They have to look into every single monetary affairs and I think they are handling it wisely.

The head of departments' talk were filled with visions and wisdom. The senior officers' knowledge and experience is inarguable. The freaky part - the execs like me; were all inheriting the same quality and skills their bosses have. They seems to know what on earth they are doing. I think, they are just carrying the pride of working there. Every single figures is at their finger tips. Well, I thought that was cool.

And what is going on in my own department?


We argue over the printer's cartridge. And not being invited over a so-called-important policy meeting. But when it comes to real-work, there goes the same black sheep. Others just making sure the name was there. Or what other priviledges that they deserved.

I will not state anymore. Am just sad (and disgusted) of what is going on. All and all, I should seek what lies in me. All I know, I desperately want to be like those who have visions in their life. I want to have a beautiful-meaningful life - of work and family and of myself. Does not matter slow or fast, I will make sure I learn something everyday.

Yes, it sounds easy to write and hope for. But, having a positive niat won't make us a dumb-selfish semut right?

Intann : Dear family and friends; please pray for this going-to-be-slim-semut a bright start and a wonderful-meaningful life - ahead. Amin.

My 'So-Called-Life?'..

Am tired, tired and tired.

The whole body felt sore and worn out. My mind's bustling with stuffs I don't really need and things I gave too much thoughts; What the hell am I going through right now?

Think I've had enough. I feel like screaming - and running away.
But where to?

Monsieur once asked me ;
"Sampai bila nak lari?"

I think my problem is that, I can't really identify what they really are actually.
I don't know whether I'm putting so much hope and expectations on others and they eventually failed to fulfill it, or, was it entirely me; hoping for something that will not happen, yearning for an ideal so-called-life - and got severely affected knowing they will NEVER happen to me.

Hoh..! My So-Called Life.
Maybe I dream too much. Trying hard to have a perfect life - perfect everything; until I ended up losing control of myself. I stumble and fall, and then fight back to breathe. I made wrong decisions, sometimes didn't even gave a thought for it. Oh dear, what even more worse is that - I didn't learn my lesson!

God, I really feel like crying.

I am missing something or maybe someone, but I do not have any clue - of how I should solve it. Should I go ahead and tell about it..? Naaahhhh..It's not going work that way. Well, because, I do realize that sometimes, it is wiser to keep things to ourselves, for being too frank of something won't do any help; it even make things become worst at times. Humiliating ourself maybe? *Sigh* But there need to be some sort of strategies to overcome this, huh? Or else, I don't know..

Is every grown ups has the same problems as mine?

Okey. I bet nobody understand all this craps. So, someone please slap me or knock me on the head - tell me to stop mumbling and have any more grudges. This seriously need to be STOPPED immediately!

Intann : Hey! Where are my pledges-list I wrote before, huh??

Me avec une miserable myself!

I just love being alone in the car - avec monsieur groban's CD.

My brain was in complete congestion from early morning. I started my 5-days course in the Ministry of Finance this morning - and since then, all they did was stuffing the complicated datas inside us. Topping up my great day - to find out that the hall was blocked from any telecommunication coverage. So, there I was, terkulat-kulat and lost.

In fact, am still looking for a saner corner inside my mind; so that I can at least throw out these spiderwebs away.

Intann : Where am I? Huh? A little HELP here!!