Love and life.. come and go..

I once claimed that I already faced what I called a 'reality' of life that bit me hard. I was totally wrong. And how wrong is my mistake? You will have no idea about it.

A lot had happened - and its been quite a while since my last posting. And all thru the week, I finally realised that i was way way wayyy from having the 'reality' on top of my nose.

21-25th Dec * 5-days of 'chicago-away-training' ..a five days straight having no phone calls at all with mon cher was quite a moment in my entire life. I was like being swept away with emotions, but at the same time.. I did learn something.. a lot actually. I learned how to become a human with stronger heart..

25th of Dec - my fifth niece was born. Only God knows how delighted I was. And how i was spelled and charmed by their magics. They are really an angel!

And it was the same day I heard mon cher's voice again. This two things that happened to me was a miracle. I felt like being released from a cruel suffocation - and finally breathe again. I thought about love..and how the magic of love brought charms and angels into this world.

But then, the next day - lifes of others were being taken away. Thousands and thousands of them - By a great tsunami. And on TV, horribly,I watched people mourning for their love ones.

And I was struck by my own thoughts and fears. Blurred and so so sooo scared.. I just couldn't controlled myself. I called mon cher at 4 in the morning- because I felt like dying..and wanted to hear his voice. Yes i was being ridiculous-I was scared of losing-but then I was calm again.

I began to think. Who are we to deny God's powers and fates that is written to us. God gives us lifes.. and in split seconds, who knows?

The thing is now - I feel so fragile. As if I still can't reckon who or what or whatever that is in ME. Mon cher was right. Always let my feelings and emotions overpowering me..

And its not the reality that I should face; yet, but myself.

Intann : The 'reality of life' will always be like it is. Its up to us. its our life. so LIVE IT! CHERISH IT! As long as you can..with your own definitions and in your own sweet way.

i turn FISH today..

In a split second, I was choked. And my vision was entirely blocked with clouds.

Something came out, but I have no idea about it.

What I know is.. I am slowly dying. Please somebody help me out.

Intann : Love is truly a gambling..the moment you fall in love.

New resolution - 2005

People everywhere dah start cerita pasal resolution here and there - and me? Do I have 1..? * saja je buat muka blur..heh!

Well, I guess whatever that 'burst' looonnggggggggggg ago tu.. we should grant it as pengajaran ..ye tak..hahahaha... so..make a new one lah...kan..? But this time is no more 'spoonfeed' moment.. No more kesian-kesian from mon parents - and I do realize that I am bad in managing my own money. It's not that I already spent all of my gaji - but having to pay my own phone bills as well as my insurance, really make my account's figure look sooo bad! Oh noo... where are all my MONEY!

So this is it. My New RESOLUTION.

1. SAVING.
2. SAVING.
3. SAVING.
4. SAVING.
5. SAVING - have to kawin, buy a house and then a car.
6. Improve myself, and my prayers and my relationship.
7. More marathons.
8. SAVING.
9.SAVING.
10. SAVING!

Intann : Wish me luck - I'm entering a battlefield - against MYSELF and all those goddamn lures.

Azah,Odie and I...

This week has been rather traumatic for us. We have such a long list of visits to other government agencies almost every week, but on the other hand we have been given our own tasks - all three of us..and me with several projects to design. And heck that boss of us had make such cynical remarks sebab we all can't manage to get our jobs done right on time.

Sis Azah and Odie are my new colleagues. We are positioned in the same division - And unlike me.. they are more particular with their jobs - but to see me with my 'selamba kering' acts.. they began to gelabah. But only if they know how gabra I am..even right now. Hahaha..

"Alaa...intan buat tatau jer akak..." konon- konon selamba jer... heheh..

"Isk..kite rasa tak sedap hati lahhh.." Azah quoted, with frowns.. isk.. kite pon cuak jugakk..!

"Odie..jom teman kite turun...takot ahhh.." That will be either me or Azah's plead to get an accompany to get to 7th floor. And selalunya that odd Odie lah yang jadi mangsa. Haha.. kononnya kalau ada teman.. tak kena marah.. err..tapi memang tak kena marah pon! Hahah..

I guess it's just us yang exaggerating pasal this small matter all this while. Maybe we still need to learn a lot and a good guidance will keep us on track. Haha..

Intann : Isk..apa nak buat ah weekend nih?

where is everybody...?

And now i am freaking out. One minute I am talking 'about how my colleagues and I were enjoying ourselves. But now.. I feel lost..alone..being left high and dry..

And where is everybody..? *sigh* At once I feel like I'm the queen..being showered with love and laughters of friends... and in split seconds.. I feel like this.. and now i began to question.. Why me..? why is it only me to have this odd feelings.. which at the end it will be ME again to feel another aching feeling - guilty.

Guilty sebab having this tah hapa2 feeling..and then hoping for somebody to listen to me.

God..i really feel like screaming..And I don't feel good about this.. what is it with me? Somebody please answer me...

I can't sleep..And the songs make me feel even worse. I'm now trap in a dusty-dark-cloud made by me. I don't feel like doing anything at all.. = (

"soledad.. is the feeling for the lonely..." sheeeshhh...

Pathetic!

Intann : Et mon cher.. i miss you! And where are you too..?

And life goes on..

Finally - I got the chance to get my fingers on the keyboard again. My sis is home and so does this desktop. To hell with her laptop which caused me serious headache few weeks ago. And now I'm back on track. And i do feel really good about it. Yup.. being able to express my feelings outloud like this - make me feel rather comfortable.. urmm.. feel like something I treasure so much is given back to me.

And though this life of mine goes on and on.. so much had happened - and I would say that I am having such a wonderful-tough-times as a new staff.

Don't worry. I won't tell you the details that happen in my office or whatever it is in between - but one thing for sure is - working in that place is like living in an ancient-filled-with-elderly-pips. I don't even know what music they're listening to! Thank God they put us in a separate floor..or else.. urrgghhh.. tanak ah imagine!

And today - they put us on a play for our jabatan's jamuan hari raya. At first we went grumbling altogether. Everyone had their eyes boiled and you can hear neverending curses from all of us..

"Hilang akai aa..gila ka soh nyanyi-nyanyi..! Ingat kita nih budak darjah satu?"

"Suka2 ajer main appoint soh itu ini..!! Kalau tau macam ni dulu..baik aku amik degree jadi badut!"

"Maleh nak layan!" and that was my piece. Haha. But the superior buat muka selamba paksa jugak kitorang buat menda2 ngarut tu.

So, we decided to be more positive and accept their order as a ticket to enjoy ourselves. And we did!

"Let's just do something sampai diorang rasa serik straight nak suruh kita lagi spas nih!"

And today.. we did it. We went dancing like nobody's business. And do not imagine that! Believe me..IT'S HORRIBLE.

Hahahahhahahaha....

Intann : That's the magic. We did enjoy ourselves. And they will regret it sebab this play make us stronger and closer. Hahahhaha....