What a month!

I am glad none of the days I had this whole month ended with a scream or throwing up. I was choked and hair-wired - each day filled with monotonous instructions and demands; sometimes I didn't have the clue where it came from. Guess this is the price I have to pay for being an adult? I mean for having a job?

Everywhere in the world, there are voices of worries; of being out of work. I just couldn't imagine how on earth I would be if I am one of them; being nailed in the world without a salary. Would I ended up being a beggar?

I just do not know how to console myself over the burden I'm having at work. Hope the out-world sadist scenarios will constantly help me through it. Of war and deaths, of economic downturn, of everything bad and sad; God, I am indeed so lucky.

I wish to know, how others that is healthy and wealthy ever realised how lucky they are?

Yes. These are all blessings from God. I have everyone I love beside me. I love them; that's all that matters to me.

It is all depends to us. Decorate our lives. And be sincere about it.

Intann : We are just human. Look in the mirror, and be grateful.

Adam's Future Car

Abang Fali is still far from having his home done. Bits by bits, he seems to be quite miserable with things that's never enough for the house, not to mention the dissapearing contractors.

So we went, almost every week, trying our best to help him. We paint and move stuffs, get his girls to school, accomodate him with whatever that we could. And now, only we can say his house looks like a home. He should thank abah and mama; for being there for him.

Last week, was like kenduri. Almost everyone was there. I brought Ezzah to see her not-too-long lost kakaks; and she was indeed so thrilled. She kept yelling and playing, even forgotten to have her day nap. Not enough? Syima and I went to pick the chubby Nurin, who lives 1km away.

"Let's buy cakes for Tokwan!"

"Yayyy...............!" Adam, Aqil and Maksu screamed. We didn't got the chance to celebrate abah's birthday on the 10th, and since almost everybody was there that day, we just hit it.

On our way to the bakery, kakak tried to make up some motivation-talks with her boys.

"Abang nanti besar kalau nak beli car macam makcik(me), belajar rajin-rajin" I just listened; intrigued to hear what the answers would be.

Just as I thought what his answer will be, his reply simply got her mom choked for a second.

"Alaa..abang(Adam) tanak beli kete macam makcik. Abang nak beli kete POLIS. Lagi best!" Syima and I laughed our stomach out. Well, that was bizzarre! Hahah!

"Kete POLIS tu powerrr...best!" He bragged.

Kakak tak puas hati. "Alaa..abang ni..nanti mama dah tua takkan nak bawak mama jalan naik kete polis plak!? Tak glamer lansung!"

I can't help to provoke; tried to make the conversation even tighter for Kakak seemed to be upset with the answers.

"Ntah abang nih. Beli la kete besar sikit.. mama tu nanti bila dah tua gemokk.. haa.. abah gemok, mama gemok..adik Nurin tu dah la sedia gemokk..kang tak muat keta abang!"

Adam giggled; perhaps visualizing her mama being gemok - like me. Haha!
Sian Nurin. Tak pasal-pasal dia plak jadi bahan.

That was quite a laugh. *sigh*

Intann : I wonder what was inside his mind. I thought he was going to say a beamer or a cooper or whatever. But, police carrr??? My goodness!

De-stress? Doesn't work at all.

I thought my outstation trip to Heritage City of Taiping would do me good. But it turns out to be the opposite way.

Still, things at work haunted me all the way there, and to make it even more perfect, I was drained by asthma attack, again. Thank God the meeting went well - although the whole meeting members has to bear my rough coughings at almost all of the time. This time, it went cruel. I was unable to talk and walk, and I bet people would just jugde me badly about it.

I just don't care. I don't even want to bother if others care about me or not.
People will just be people. They suck!

Intann : Oh dear. I need gas. Need ice-SCREAMMM!!

Love United..? Uh Noo..Am OLD!

Syima passed me un email avec that 'Love United' clip in it.

Huh? This Clip? My goodness. Can y'all still remember this? **SCREAAAMMMM!!** hah ha!
That clip did tickled my sorrow, mesmerizingly - in an instant!

Hhaaa.....there goes my good old days.

Syima and I? We went crrraazyyy over it. Back in 2002, during World Cup in Korea and Japan. They sort of did a clip with all-stars - singing! Ha ha. Just now, after listening to it, I realized how stupid that song was. Hahahahah!

But that's not it. That time in particular was my best ever living moments.

Say I'm crazy, but I really miss 'em so much. I was looking at them one by one, tried to recall their names. Sylvain Wiltord, Dugarry, Luis Figo, Robert Pires (of course!), Ljungberg, etc. And when I did remember, I went.. yayyy! Beaming and smiling - all alone. Gila! *Grin*

I miss that kind of spirit in me. I felt free and alive. I just .. miss myself.

Intann : Do y'all think I still have some HOPE..or something??

Work is KILLING me!

Wow.

I am totally amazed with whatever things and thoughts that ever happened to me and crossed my mind. Day by day I lived.. managed to complete every chapter of daylight-'mares' that I need to face every day.

Work was hell.

Everyday, when I got into the car, I felt like crying - and shouting, with hope it will let out the heat and lavas that is stuffed inside of me. God, sometimes I sincerely do not know what am I doing - but after a while, I recovered. The pain did not go anywhere -they were still there. That too, think I just swallowed it. Bitter though, but what to do?

Do I have any other options?

Am not a millionaire's heiress. As to have multiple skills so I can quit and hit jackpots of somewhere else.

One thing I know - to constantly set my niat, my work is my rezeki. For Allah.

Good enough I do not have to work in the burning sun, or live in war or poor countries. I have everything, don't I?

Intann : I am just tired, I guessed. Tell me, how should I let out my tense? A place to de-stress, maybe?

Hola 2009..

Although it's hard, I still have to admit it. Another year passed, and I still never had the clue whether or not I have achieved whatever I wanted in life. And instead, another set of resolution was made. But, this time, I promise, all hopes should be more practical. Yes, practical to be achieved - so that I won't be devastated again. In fact, again and again.

I don't intend to jot down my resolution over here. Brief enough to say that I wish I have more time for myself and will treat myself good. In and out.

Although only 7 days passed 2009, there were quite a number of sad events that hit me; yes - the separation.

On the 2nd, Sis Nurul had to roll her bags off to UK, with high hopes that the last-next ticket she'd buy would be the one for good. I was the one who were soaked in tears when Zaara cried for her Mama, begging her to stay. Oh God. I always know that I wouldn't ever be that strong. I cried to sleep. Sobbing.

Two days later, Abang Fali moved out from our house, for Fatin and Arween need to be near scholl. There I went, crying again. I thought I would be tougher then, but my tears kept coming out. This time, even more terrible than before. I found it's very hard to step into the house after work without the kids' laughters and happy faces. They used be by the door, jumping and screaming, and when we got inside the house they would jump on us throwing hugs and kisses. Oh God, I miss them so much..!

I never thought I'd miss them this much.

Intann : Separation is indeed so damn cruel. Please hug me. Need it.