Today..a routine? I don't think so...

i'm pretty busy this morning. wake up early to get my sister to lrt-then buy some nasik lemak-breakfast-get dressed laju giler coz its already 8.. and time tu jugaklah air pulak takde.. kenalah mandi air sejuk this morning.. hii.. of all the sudden..without any notice! if u ask me- 'ni mesti keje geng2 construction nearby nih!' ada construction nak buat flat just nearby my house. memang crowded giler.. sekarang ni pun dah jammed kat jalan bawah tu..lagilah kalau ada lagi tambahan population kat sini. Nak marah lelebih pun bukan tanah aku..

Kat umah meriah pagi nih. Pagi2 dapat tengok muka arween ngan fatin bangun sengih-sengih. Best sangat dapat hug ngan kiss diorang pagi-pagi walaupun masam gila..heheh..My niece from melaka pun datang nak spend weekend ngan we all.. my mum just consider her visit as "menyerah diri" sebab there's 2 girls to babysit..sorang demam and sorang gi kecik sangat.. cakap pun tak buleh lagi..haha..we all semua kena keja..so dia lah yang kena.. nasiblahh..

But since she's here.. me and my sister mulalah tanduk kuar nak jalan2.. haha.. tak sedar broke giler.. nanti bila dah keluar tu mulalah nampak itu lahh..nak beli inilah.. since awal bulan we dah buat hat-trick.Went for movies like crazy.. semuanya nak tengok.. (apa lagi ah citer yg tak tengok gi..?)

I'm writing from office today. Still working out my perspective drawing yang tak siap-siap since dunno when. Asal my boss keluar je.. hah.. mulalah cari other thing yang lagi best. No music in the office-pc broke down. no radio-busan gila. aku pulak lupa nak bawak cd ke.. agghh.. takpe.. positive! apepun today is far better than yesterday of course. semalam lagilah dashyat. dah la macam2 jadi since morning. dah petang tu , konon nak release pressure by tulis mail kat mon cher.. punya lah panjang i wrote to him..semuanya lah..all lovey dovey words.. wishing him good luck..etc..etc..for one flat hour.. the minute i clicked the "send" button- baru i nampak ..i typed his address wrong.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH............!!!!!!!!!

Stood still for couple of minutes. Blur. Dunno what to think. Can't even move. Rasa terberenti brain skejap. Then my hp bunyik. (hah..!mon cher) Mangsa lah dia kena dengar i punya cerita pressure stok sepanjang hari punya.. still rasa blur .. when he said "camana boleh salah taip tu....?" and "Camana boleh jadi macam tuuuu...." I still cannot figure out what and why is all that happening to me.. all at once pulak tu...!

Today..tak tau lah apa pulak. So far okey ajer. My boss and I takdelah banyak communicate sangat. Just talk benda yang perlu ajer. Since i'm the only worker he has..so I guess he's trying to keep me to guard his office..picking up calls..design..cadd drawings..presentation drawings.. isk. semualah! He keep on saying he'll find other personnel-but it's been months now since our last designer resigned.. and dah berbulan lah i've been alone in this office. Everything semuanya buat sorang-sorang. Mesti orang kat luar tengok i some kind of pelik. haha.. and my friends pun sometimes make fun of me sebab keje sorang2 nih.

But it turns out i'm very comfortable working alone. I'd do whatever I want at my own pace and kepala otak. No need to gossip or to dress up like crazy..make up like clowns.. there's nobody here.. my boss? haha.. dia lagilah selekeh. He really doesn't mind no matter how i look. He came - ask me daily progress-check letters or fax messages..then at about 10 he'll go out. Dunno where. Then.. he comes back after lunch.. then goes out again.. haha.. My tanduk goes in and out banyak kali gak lah dalam sehari.. I'm not really 'cheating' while working. But since this is a small consulting firm-with various status projects..just making sure my work is done-then only i 'party' laa..bukan sesuka hati jer...haha..

hah..counting hours la nak balik.. bila ada my nephews or nieces kat rumah..mulalah eager sangat nak balik. I'm still far away from 5.30. So.. better fill up my days with works. Sambil2 tu lam kepala dok pikir..(isk.. dapat ke tak aa gaji nanti..?) ..agghh...next month will be tough.. 2 close friends are getting married.. have to spare extra money for hadiah ngan trip gi penang lagi.. ushhkk.. peninggg...

:: this is why kita selalu heran when it comes to 'money'. dialah racun.. dialah ubat..hah...peninggg...

Reality bites..

It's already 1 pm. As usual i'm not going out anywhere - rasa kelakar lunch sorang-sorang. So i take out my donat and air kosong from home- and have my lunch. Ingat nak call mon cher but I bet dia tengah prepare nak gi semayang Jumaat. Huhh.. today dah Jumaat. Cepatnya masa berjalan. Nanti sabtu-ahad dah joli lebih kurang sikit2..pastu pressure sebab dah monday balik.

Sometimes i nak ajer jadi exceptional. Trying to have a wonderful monday..but back to what we call a 'reality'.. it will bite us back. No need to pretend that we are having so much fun in life,when deep down inside we are crying and dying- asking for a better 'everything'. I know i sound 'tak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada'.. but as a person.. i would say that this "reality" thing is very tough. Very.. very tough..!

Maybe i've seen better picture of life before.. my parents, as far as i remember ..were government servants..we moved around west semenanjung a lot..which influent my perangai now... quarters with security guards..good schools..home-tuitioned..few friends of course.. pindah again.. new school..same thing..bla..bla.. but now i realise..all that somehow broaden and at the same time narrowing my scope of life.

Conflicts. when i was in Kuantan for my diploma.. new friends again.. but with various background. Then only reality sikit-sikit nak tunjuk belang. Tengok everyone punya true colour..  but then mana matured lagi.. nak 2 time tu lah baru rasa freedom.. with course yang memang banyak visits.. Back to reality punya cerita.. still i don't really pikir sangat pasal susah nak cari duit etc..  takde duit..call.. ada new project..call.. (haa.. wonder what i'd say if i'm in my mama's place then..) sure nangis punye lahhh..

Degree was ok financially.. sebab i ada loan. But still mintak kat abah bila dah ujung semester.. Tapi banyak habis kat travel lah.. minyak.. tol.. huu..

Then only that REALITY keep on haunting me.. jahat betull..

Since i graduate last year.. anything I wanted to do seems to be blocked. Tak yah mention during study dulu memang dah pening gile nak habiskan even satu semester.. but this time it's different. I'm grateful i did manage to finish school before..and since everything is giving me a hard time sekarang..i fell kinda LOST.

Time tu la nak cari keja susah..apply nak further study-my degree pulak dikata tak diiktiraf .. sadly i have to defer my cardiff offer to next year.. with nothing promising.. hope my abah won't say anything about me wasting money for exams etc.. (erghhh..sad!sad!) At last.. dapat lah keja sini.. alaa..sini..yang tak best nih...(again tak grateful lansung!!heh) 
With that kinky boss.. nearby office from home..kira okey laa than dok rumah idling waiting for my parents to feed me. Malulahh..dah suku abad umur still takde profesion lagi. Although tak satisfied sangat with salary scheme-i accept this job and try to be more positive with it..(grateful..) hehe..

Almost 4 months here..with 1 months party sebab my boss went to China to participate in new project (that's what he claim laa..) I dunno how to describe - how my life has been. Sruggling - saving nak kawin la.. daily expenses laa.. entertainment..belanja mama tosei..phone bills.. bla..bla..bla.. hah! Is this my life i'm going through??  Now only i learn how to aprreciate each cent in my purse... dah pulak my boss critically takde income,and as expected - kacau perjalanan gaji aku laa.... who's to blame? Ntahh..

Abah pun dah bising my phone bill makin banyak and banyak... Then, banyak jugak benda2 jahat yg allure my attention.. bantal pires lahh.. perfume laahhh..aussino bedsheet laa.. huu.. sedar2 ajer my purse tinggal syiling.. tu pun sempat lagi sedekahkan kat public phone.. heh.. cintaaaa.. cam gitu lahhh..

Why aah..? Why is it has to happen to me..? Is it I don't give enough thinking and vision when i was younger.. ?I should have expected all this. My mama constantly reminding everyone of us that life upfront is not going to be easy.. familiar words like " Mama takde harta lain nak bagi.. just ilmu ajer..itu lah yang all of you kena pakai nak hidup" ..

And now.. it does make sense...

Although nak kena kena face tough times sementara nak habiskan July nih.. I should give more attention towards myself  ..and more thoughts about future..maybe sebelum ni tak cukup thoughts ( that's why kat mulut kata nak jimat tapi tangan dok membeli) .. sebab tu still consider all this as burden..unfair..etc..

And maybe I should look forward to dekatkan diri ngan Tuhan..

 

A beginner..

Tough morning..but yet cold and breezy..the only thing that make me smile - henman win 1st round kat toronto ..(heh!) ..then headed to office as usual-alone-with nothing to be expected.. tapi dalam banyak2 benda- my pc broke down!

no more YM with frenz and mon cher.. another sebab nak tambah busan kat my days.. ergghhhh!! jammed skejap kepala.. heh! tapi still okey.. using another pc.. start wandering what to do..mulalah search sana..search sini..kot2 ade mende narik nak baca etc.. then i came across my sister's fren punya blog..mmm..narik tu... create blog sendiri.. takdelah busan sangat..heheh..then..klik sana sikit..sini sikitt..heheh.. my first publishing.. so jangan gelak tau? sebab standard lah beginner...
hehe..

mm.. so far nothing much to say. dalam kepala dok serabut ngan pc yang dah jem tu.. tatau nak buat apa.. tak berenti asyik scan disc ajer..nak shut down pun gagal jugak...heh.. biar ajerlah dulu.. so hope from now on-my days will be much ..much better with this new i-don't-know-how-to-say  hobby..(can i say hobby?) ape2 jelah! selalu kita cakap dalam hati ajer pasal everything .. so now, at least boleh express anything yang kita wish to say.. hope boleh fill up my days yang almost "empty' tu..

i've read a few blogs yg i rasa mmg very interesting..about how they felt.. and i felt satisfied sebab there are things yang i wish to say out loud and that somebody dah tolong expresskan..heheh..so from now on.. my turn pulak.. hope i can be as good as that writer..(of course she's good..she's a writer!) but from what she had said ..kebanyakkannya mmg betul and i learn a lot from her writings.. thanks! she gave me some kind of encouragement - and have my own blog...heh!

:: everyday kena ada something new kita kena belajar kan? so.. this is for today... : )