Reality bites..

It's already 1 pm. As usual i'm not going out anywhere - rasa kelakar lunch sorang-sorang. So i take out my donat and air kosong from home- and have my lunch. Ingat nak call mon cher but I bet dia tengah prepare nak gi semayang Jumaat. Huhh.. today dah Jumaat. Cepatnya masa berjalan. Nanti sabtu-ahad dah joli lebih kurang sikit2..pastu pressure sebab dah monday balik.

Sometimes i nak ajer jadi exceptional. Trying to have a wonderful monday..but back to what we call a 'reality'.. it will bite us back. No need to pretend that we are having so much fun in life,when deep down inside we are crying and dying- asking for a better 'everything'. I know i sound 'tak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada'.. but as a person.. i would say that this "reality" thing is very tough. Very.. very tough..!

Maybe i've seen better picture of life before.. my parents, as far as i remember ..were government servants..we moved around west semenanjung a lot..which influent my perangai now... quarters with security guards..good schools..home-tuitioned..few friends of course.. pindah again.. new school..same thing..bla..bla.. but now i realise..all that somehow broaden and at the same time narrowing my scope of life.

Conflicts. when i was in Kuantan for my diploma.. new friends again.. but with various background. Then only reality sikit-sikit nak tunjuk belang. Tengok everyone punya true colour..  but then mana matured lagi.. nak 2 time tu lah baru rasa freedom.. with course yang memang banyak visits.. Back to reality punya cerita.. still i don't really pikir sangat pasal susah nak cari duit etc..  takde duit..call.. ada new project..call.. (haa.. wonder what i'd say if i'm in my mama's place then..) sure nangis punye lahhh..

Degree was ok financially.. sebab i ada loan. But still mintak kat abah bila dah ujung semester.. Tapi banyak habis kat travel lah.. minyak.. tol.. huu..

Then only that REALITY keep on haunting me.. jahat betull..

Since i graduate last year.. anything I wanted to do seems to be blocked. Tak yah mention during study dulu memang dah pening gile nak habiskan even satu semester.. but this time it's different. I'm grateful i did manage to finish school before..and since everything is giving me a hard time sekarang..i fell kinda LOST.

Time tu la nak cari keja susah..apply nak further study-my degree pulak dikata tak diiktiraf .. sadly i have to defer my cardiff offer to next year.. with nothing promising.. hope my abah won't say anything about me wasting money for exams etc.. (erghhh..sad!sad!) At last.. dapat lah keja sini.. alaa..sini..yang tak best nih...(again tak grateful lansung!!heh) 
With that kinky boss.. nearby office from home..kira okey laa than dok rumah idling waiting for my parents to feed me. Malulahh..dah suku abad umur still takde profesion lagi. Although tak satisfied sangat with salary scheme-i accept this job and try to be more positive with it..(grateful..) hehe..

Almost 4 months here..with 1 months party sebab my boss went to China to participate in new project (that's what he claim laa..) I dunno how to describe - how my life has been. Sruggling - saving nak kawin la.. daily expenses laa.. entertainment..belanja mama tosei..phone bills.. bla..bla..bla.. hah! Is this my life i'm going through??  Now only i learn how to aprreciate each cent in my purse... dah pulak my boss critically takde income,and as expected - kacau perjalanan gaji aku laa.... who's to blame? Ntahh..

Abah pun dah bising my phone bill makin banyak and banyak... Then, banyak jugak benda2 jahat yg allure my attention.. bantal pires lahh.. perfume laahhh..aussino bedsheet laa.. huu.. sedar2 ajer my purse tinggal syiling.. tu pun sempat lagi sedekahkan kat public phone.. heh.. cintaaaa.. cam gitu lahhh..

Why aah..? Why is it has to happen to me..? Is it I don't give enough thinking and vision when i was younger.. ?I should have expected all this. My mama constantly reminding everyone of us that life upfront is not going to be easy.. familiar words like " Mama takde harta lain nak bagi.. just ilmu ajer..itu lah yang all of you kena pakai nak hidup" ..

And now.. it does make sense...

Although nak kena kena face tough times sementara nak habiskan July nih.. I should give more attention towards myself  ..and more thoughts about future..maybe sebelum ni tak cukup thoughts ( that's why kat mulut kata nak jimat tapi tangan dok membeli) .. sebab tu still consider all this as burden..unfair..etc..

And maybe I should look forward to dekatkan diri ngan Tuhan..