If Tomorrow Never Comes Part I
Took me quite some times to reckon that things doesn’t happen as easy as it seems; I mean, if other people might get things done just right, well that won’t happen to everybody.
I remember during the early days of my pregnancy, I was having routine morning sickness. But that one day, I couldn’t help myself - I uttered out harsh words saying that I’m not quite comfortable with the feelings. Mon cher was stunned and reminded me not everybody was given the same chance to be pregnant, or even to becoming a mother. Instantly, at that very moment, (with hope I can take back my words) I regretted to misbehave like that.
I am becoming a mother..can you believe that?
I shouldn’t behave like that.
Later, came the ordeal having my baby out to this world.
The dengue fever, the ECG readings, the continuous back pain, the contractions, the hell-chilling labor-room, all winded up in one big blurry memory of mine.
I can’t even open my eyes. I can’t breathe. Sometimes, the pain was so excruciating. Is this how dying feels like? Then the pain went away. Everybody was moving around me. A lot of them. Nurses. Doctors. What is going on..?? Can someone please be with me..?
“We have to get the baby out”
“Still no passage, 3cm..” Urghh..hate their hands!
“Siapa bagi dia minum air selusuh..??!!” the doctor shouted.
Sometimes, I saw mon cher. There you are. I am looking for you..I need you to be with me.They said they want to get the baby out. So you must be next to me all the time..dizzy..I must have been asleep. Then I saw Nida; crying. Why is everybody’s crying..? Am I dying..?
Then, one of the day, mama showed up. With all effort, she crawled towards my bed. I felt like crying. Iskk..mama kan sakit.. sapa yang bawak mama susah-susah datang sini ni..sian mama.
”Ingat Tuhan Intan..” mama whispered.
Ohh..Ok.. then I am right. I must be dying. Everybody I saw was looking weird at me. They must have sent people to come and visit me one last time.
I dozed off and awaked without any senses. Everything went blurred out every time I opened my eyes. The contractions came and go – and people were getting out of their hands around me.
Came the beautiful lady doctor. She held my hand, the other hand softly laid on my forehead.
Intan, can you hear me..? I am Dr. Lim.. can you hear me..?” She whispered slowly against my ear. I nodded.
We are going to have your baby out..very soon, ok..? She managed a fake smile.
“Okey…” Nodded. Not sure.
“But we are going to have an emergency Caesarian operation on you, and I have to tell you its very risky, you might have massive internal bleeding.. so whatever happen, I’m gonna save the mother first, okey..?”
“….aa….” Still not sure. Frowned. I guess I nodded – and signed the papers they gave me.
Ok. So they are going to cut me. I’m not going to have a normal delivery. And people think I’m dying. There goes mon cher. Crying. I should say I’m sorry to mon cher non? I have to leave him behind. I want to see his face one last time. Puas-puas. Kurusnya dia.. what happened to him..?
They strolled me off to the OT. I saw abah and syima. Moahzam? Is it really him? Malam-malam macam ni datang spital..? boleh ke..?
And mon cher. Bye mon cher. Love you.
But why am I feeling nothing??
So..this is how an Operation Theatre looks like huh? Hwaa..besarnya lampu dia…
Then, everything turns black.