Hard habit to break..

My PC ( my favourite PC!! ) broke down..again.. *^#@(*&%... huh.. nice words to start a new day huh..?

I was dreaming today would be a 'nice' day to me..

But..forgotten to wake mon cher up this morning was a clear sign..it was almost 8 when i finally realised i haven't wake him up yet! (..huuu..that was close..!) so.. better forget my-nice-day-dream...uwaaaa....!!

While having my potato bun (with peanut butter!) this morning, with the sport news on tv- I let myself to ponder pasal life..my life..is it what i want..? is it enough for me..? or want something else..? or..i want something 'extra'..?

It's not selama ni I haven't give a thought about it.. cuma .. i was thinking whether i'll be facing the same boring day today..then my mind wander pulak pasal macam-macam.. why am I like this..? why I dont have that..why I don't have this..? how can i be like them..? All sorts of questions rammed my head - (sigh..) I know i sound ungrateful once again..but sometimes i feel insecured..and scared to imagine myself in the next 10 or 20 years to come..have y'all feel the same ? At one point - I feel lost.. If you ask me what my future plans are- you name it. I have everything ( i repeat..EVERYTHING!! ) listed in my mind - ideally organized. But.. that reality 'gravity' is pulling me down.. confusing my guts and let me stucked on earth again-demoralised by my own thoughts.. ! Wondering whether my plan will go smoothly for me is really a big deal.. What if i failed..? what if something happen on the way? what if..what if..hughhh...!! What is wrong with me..? Why is everything seems to be so wrong for me..?? (not including you mon cher.. you are the best ever happen in my life!) ..

So this is it..! the 'WHAT IF..' ni yang selalu make me insecure...

The thing is.. this thinking-of-future-stuffs really shaken me out. Is that I don't have enough price..or capability like others who make tonnes of cash..?? I'm craving to become a person. I mean- a complete one. And above all..happy. Or I asked too much..? Or all those stuffs ain't for me..? Or I have to be lil' more patient and wait for it to come..? Ohh..i really don't know...: (

Maybe for now - I need to figure out my own mistakes first. Maybe it's me who don't have enough guts to become a positive person is the core reason.. hah.. memang pening.. another sigh won't help..I know.. : I

So..that will be the best thing I can do - learn to know myself-instead of blaming others for anything I can't achieve. They're right.. Anything that happen.. will always comes back to you. I'll give more thoughts of it.. mm.. (sigh..!)

Wish me luck..!