Fear of FEAR

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away

In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made things change

Well I tried
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way

And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would I take the chance and make the change?

>> Kate Winslet – What If

Dear God. I'm torn between the things that I need to do and people’s expectations. I couldn’t feel anything else but suffocation. And the pain is excruciating. My mind filled with frenzied emotions and for once I feel like screaming; hoping the frantic feelings will disappear. Then FEAR halted me.

Why? Why am I always engulfed with fears?

Think that’s my main problem. Fear of FEAR feelings. It took control of me and of everything. They have becoming my utmost barrier to every action that I should make. You don’t think so? See, I said I should scream my heart out. That is what a distress person would do, right? But, the ‘scared’ me whispered not to for people would think you are in a mental state. Oh. So I nodded, as dictated.

I could barely have my mind on the good memories I’ve experience. At the moment, I feel empty. I tried, tried to make myself useful; whether at work or anywhere else. But an immense amount of fear pulled me from being brave or a highly-spirited human being. Everything seems to be intimidating and petrifying for me.

Do not say this.. that will upset him.
Do not talk if you are not sure..
Don’t expose yourself too much in the limelight..not good. You’ll get screwed. People’s gonna say.
Do not let yourself to be belittled. You’ll look stupid. Just stand straight.
Don’t dare to wear weirdly. You’re not beautiful. People laugh. Not good.
Blah..blah..blah..

God..Am not myself anymore..

How bad is that, you really want to know? Well..there was one time, I tried to speak a little louder than I usually do. And that was it. I felt like fainted. I felt a sudden blitz of heat strips; from the feet right to my last strand of hair. My heartbeat was jumping fast and of course FEAR got its perfect damn chance to hit me. I lost my words. God knows how I stumbled just to make myself looking calm. It is sad because the fact that is; it is ME being stupid and timid out of nothing at all!

For now, nothing changed so much. I don’t even have a plan B, or a hideout whenever I feel down and things got groovy like this. I tried to listen to my favorite songs, well, they gave me a temporary sooth though. Met my best friend last week, and that was quite a big help, though we didn’t discussed much. I do not know how far should I run from these weird feelings and those cruel thoughts; coming from myself. Nothing make sense anymore. Do not tell me this got no end. I feel tired of being here. I wish it will just leave. The pain is just too real.

I think, I need to be treated. You think?

Mystery? = UNSOLVED.

Intann : I don’t know how. But I need to find ways to sort this out, huh?