Entering new episode of life?

It's 3 in the morning but my eyes doesn't seem to let my worn-out body to sleep just yet. So I took the time watching mon cher and ezzah sleeping-so soundly.

The silence brings me to ponder; upon the years I've passed. To realize how blessed I am - all the way.

The month of March - as always; had my feelings all mixed up. 3 years of wonderful marriage, 2 beautiful years of watching Ezzah growing-up, supportive family and friends. My goodness. Did I ever thank them enough for being with me?

And of course - often in March, the traumas will still haunt me-emotionally. I can barely smell the chillness I had in my hospital-days, and it devastatingly shrunk my heart to the point I feel like crying. You wouldn't have know how grateful I am now, of having the chance to live and kiss Ezzah. I remember the days where I cried all night long being alone in that freaking ward, wanting to go home and hug mon cher et bebe. That was the most tormenting moments in my entire life. I wish I can forget that, but I know the stain will just stay right there.

As time taught me well about being a sane and rationale human being, still, once in a while, I caught myself yearning for something I shouldn't propose for. I let myself being joggled by my past sweet and bitter memories; and made it a reason to move on. I know how absurd and wrong it was - but it does soothes me.

Am gonna turn 30 tomorrow. I certainly do not know how should I feel about that. Glad? Remorse? Nothing? Oh God, am I missing something? I do feel old, slightly - of course. But that can't be the reason of why I should misbehave, right? Or maybe discriminating myself. Okey, now tell me what should I do?

But again, I must confess that I am not 'that' ready to becoming 30. Old and ain't perfect. Not a perfect wife, not a perfect mom, not a superwoman. I sometimes wonder, why in the world do we have to please others so damn perfectly, and when doesn't, we are so ruined. The fact that we mutually have the same mindsets and perceptions, for me is the root cause of it. So no one says no. But who wants to caress me? Who care to please me?

For all I pray and hope for is how my-next-episode will treat me. Will there be new chances and opportunities for me? Will there be room for improvement? Will my love ones love me more? Will I be able to constantly gratitude love-ones,family and friends for whatever they've done for me?

Intann : I love you. I want you to know that. And I hope you love me the same.